Loving Xeno Lovegood
by RemusLovesRent
Summary: Gilderoy has feelings for Xeno and that scares him. Lovehart.
1. Gilderoy

**Disclaimer: **Only Jo, and Sybill Trelawney are all-seeing; for everyone else there's MasterCard - or fanfiction. Chose your weapon wisely.

_Xeno, _

_Are you still mad at me? I'm still kind of mad at you, but I don't wanna be, just because I know it's not your fault… I really do miss you, but I don't know if I still want to be friends with you. So, I guess if you're still mad at me everything works out… I keep thinking that I do want to be your friend again, but then I realize that I still really want you to kiss me, and you don't like me like that, so I'm trying not to like you like that anymore either. I think I might go out with Emmeline Vance, and then maybe I can like her, and not think about you like that anymore… I need to stop writing to you, now, because I can't breathe and I think I'm getting sick. But I do kind of, really, miss you…_

_, Gilders._

Quietly, he read the letter aloud to his cat, Mittens, as he stroked his fur.

They had been home from Gilderoy's 5th year at Hogwarts for a couple weeks now. Usually, he would have sent dozens of owls to his best friend by this point, but they had stopped talking. He just couldn't imagine ever speaking to him again after everything that happened.

It was about a month ago, a Saturday in May, when Gilderoy had asked Xeno Lovegood to kiss him. They had been best friends for 5 years, and Xeno had a girlfriend, _Gilderoy_ had a girlfriend!

He said _'no, thanks,' _then, he changed the subject. Gilders felt himself panicking inside, but he dropped it. After that, he couldn't help feeling a bit _blue_…

About a week later, Rita Skeeter dumped him. And he shut down.

"I'm not going to send it," Gilderoy decided.

Mittens stared at him. He started to get upset.

"This should _not_ be happening! He's _a boy!_ And he's_ really_ weird! He's a _boy_!"

"I don't get it, Mittens! I really like him, for some reason… I would give up my hair for him!"

He paused rethinking what he had said. "Maybe not _all_ of it… Most of it… Yeah… All of it. I just want him, _that _much."

"But, it's weird, because as badly as I want him – and it's a lot!" He gestured towards a pile of unsent letters.

"I really want EVEN more _not_ to feel like… All the other boys want _girls_… They _like _girls…Why can't I just be _normal_..? Why can't _he _be normal? "

He looked in the mirror at his _amazing_ reflection.

"It's not going to happen, I _know _it isn't…It's just… " he started to cry "you'd think … if you could get everything else perfect, the perfect hair, and the perfect smile, and always smell nice – they won't realized the thing that makes you such a mess. The thing that you_ can't_ make perfect and the thing that you _can't_ make go away…

But_ apparently _I was wrong, because… I can't even talk to him, now. I messed everything up…. He knows how I am. How I'm… _disgusting,_ and_ I know_ he's not going to say it, but he _knows_ it, and he probably thinks it... and he doesn't want me the same way…

And not even Rita wants me now, so I guess she must see it too! Because I fixed my hair... and I made it nice. And I keep making it look_ so_ nice, but I'm such a mess…."

Mittens stared at him as he threw himself back into bed.

"And she must see it too… because she doesn't even want me either… and I don't really know if I _want_ her or if I ever _wanted_ her… I think _maybe _I just wanted something to make me more _normal_, it would have been _so_ much easier if I liked Rita instead of Xeno…because maybe then she would have stayed with me… Maybe if I wasn't such _a sick git…." _

He buried his head under his pillows.

"This should_ not _be happening! I shouldn't_ feel _like this! It _shouldn'_t be a boy, it shouldn't be _him!"_

**A/N:** Okay, Wow. Written for a lexicon of stories for The Fear Challenge on the HPFC. Gilderoy Lockhart's internalized homophobia (which is negative feelings that someone has towards themselves and their own homosexuality, just in case anyone reading is unfamiliar with the term.) Not _a lot_ of his vanity in the fic, because of the situation. (And he's alone in a room with his cat, so he's still the best looking_ person_ there! ;) _  
_


	2. Xeno

**RLR (HCP): (Disclaimer)** This chapter was written by one of my best friends, who I sometimes co-write fics with. She doesn't have an account on this particular site, but she does write for a different site, and she knows that I'm posting this here.

Rose's chapter:

A/N: I'm not Jo Rowling. I'm sorry for grammar and spelling. This goes along with HCP's, but stands on its own in a way.

...

_Caradoctor,_

_I miss Gilderoy. I know you don't know why I'm not talking with him, but I wanted to tell someone this, and you aren't talking to him either. Do you think he misses us?_

_-Xeno_

Xeno attached the short letter to the leg of his owl, and promptly threw it out the window. It was summer, and Xeno still wasn't used to not talking to Gilderoy. Normally the pair of them would owl each other back and forth constantly. He hadn't even gotten one letter so far. True he hadn't sent Gilderoy a letter either. The Ravenblonde trio of Gilderoy, Caradoc, and Xeno was down to two.

A particular moon frog croaked very loudly, and Xeno walked over to it. Xeno only had two of them, and he was pretty sure one of them was sick, so he separated them. The healthy one was the one that croaked. Xeno fed it some grass, and then quietly spoke to it. "Are you lonely too? Do you miss your friends up on the moon?"

The moon frog ate the grass.

He was up in his bedroom, the attic of the Lovegood house. His parents were fine with him having all the pets, as long as they stayed in his room. (They didn't know that the frogs were actually highly rare moon frogs, or that the 'empty cages' were filled with wrackspurts.) Minus the cats of course. The cats were allowed to roam around. Xeno's number of cats was up to 7.

2 of the cats were currently occupying his bed. Xeno sat on the edge to make sure both of them had enough room.

"Do you guys remember Gilderoy?"

The black and white cat, Boots, licked his paws.

"Yeah. The Wrackspurts attacked him. And then we went Nargle hunting, because Wrackspurts are excellent Nargle detectors."

Xeno smiled to himself. The other cat, Cookie, sat on Xeno's lap.

"We were planning on meeting up over the summer but…" His voice trailed off. A Dabberblimp screamed loudly causing Cookie to run under the bed. Boots had grown used to the noises.

"Okay I won't tell you then!" Xeno half-yelled in a very offended tone.

He could remember it like it happened yesterday.

_They were in the courtyard, sitting at a table getting ready to go on a Nargle hunt. The last one of their 5__th__ year. Xeno was particularly excited about it, because Caradoc was going with them. Caradoc was a Wrackspurt magnet, even more so then Gilders. Caradoc had left the two of them a few minutes ago to get some apples. Gilders wanted them to make his hair shinier._

"_But your hair's really really shiny already!" Xeno had said._

"_So. It needs to be shinier. Just to make sure there's no chance my hair can be outshined by anyone."_

"_I guess." Xeno said, and went back to mapping out where the Hogwarts-Nargles most likely were._

_The two were submerged in a comfortable silence for a while, until Gilders broke it._

"_You should kiss me so that more Nargles will come."_

_Xeno looked up from the map and blinked at him a moment. That short sentence scared him. It wasn't that Xeno didn't like the idea of kissing Gilders, he had actually had the thought once or twice. It was too weird though. Gilders was a boy. Xeno was a boy. They shouldn't be kissing each other. They should be kissing girls. Namely their girlfriends._

_Plus, Nargles didn't come because people were kissing._

"_No thank you." Xeno said. "So where should we check for Nargles?"_

"_I don't know."_

_Caradoc walked back to them and gently placed an apple on Gilder's shiny hair._

"_Let's get this Nargle hunt thing going!" Caradoc yelled, and they left the courtyard._

After the hunt, Xeno really didn't talk to Gilders anymore. He really wasn't sure what to do. Gilders wanted to kiss him. Did he want to kiss him too? Xeno wasn't so sure. He wanted to, but it was just too strange. He liked kissing his girl friend, Lyla, too.

"I liked it better when we were all first and second years." Xeno said aloud.

The sick moon frog croaked weakly.

Something told Xeno that it would be the frogs last croak. He slowly walked over to the moon frog, and it closed its eyes.

"Goodbye Gilderoy." Xeno said quietly as tears formed in his eyes.

...

A/N: He wasn't exactly mental, but he yelled at invisible creatures, and he was his usual self in the flashback.


	3. Caradoc

******A/N: The chapter is the in POV of Caradoc Dearborn, and was written by Rose and I, together.  
**

Dearborn's POV

_Xeno,_

_ Yeah, I miss Gilders too... This whole thing is really weird, but he's got to want to be friends with us eventually, right? Who else is he going to talk to when we finally go back to school? I doubt Kingsley will want to be friends with him... I don't know, he probably misses us. I would miss us. _

_-Dearborn_

_PS. Tell your cats I said 'Hi'_

Caradoc attached the letter to Xeno's owl, and promptly chucked it out the window. There was the usual noise going throughout his house, but his room was pretty quite. Being the oldest of 8 meant you got the best room. He paced a bit about his room, not sure what to do. He was just so used to owling Xeno and Gilders constantly. Now he hardly owled either of them. That letter was the first of the summer, minus Kingsley's usual update that he didn't die that month.

Caradoc sat down on his bed thinking; thinking about his friends, thinking about them fighting, thinking about _everything._

He had overheard them, when they were talking about… _kissing_? He didn't understand it, but when he came back, they hadn't said anything about the joke…

So, Gilderoy wanted to kiss _Xeno_? He couldn't make it make sense in his head. They were always his best friends, and as far as he knew Gilders had always liked girls… He just wished he would have told him. Friends tell each other things, right? Why haven't _his_ friends told _him_? It was a lot to take in, as it was one thing to find out that your very male best friend might like another boy, but - to find out that it's your other male best friend? _It didn't make sense._

"Caradoc!" It was the voice of his youngest sister, she was only 7. She was lucky she didn't have to deal with stuff like this. Her biggest problem was when she used magic by accident and broke something. At that moment, Caradoc secretly envied her innocence.

"Yeah, El?" Caradoc called.

"I think I broke someth-Nevermind!"

Breaking something. Literally her biggest problem. Caradoc wished it was that simple. That way magic could fix it. Magic can't fix a messed up friendship.


End file.
